Maybe things had to get this bad so I could gain clarity about what needs to be done.”
Honestly, I have no idea if this is even true, but it’s something I’m trying to tell myself today. I’ve had a lot of different lows and periods of sadness in my life. Lots of trauma and things I’d label minor tragedies.
I feel best about myself when I am climbing mountains despite the challenges. When I can feel myself propelling forward rather than weighted down by a smattering of muck that feels like quicksand.
A little bit of success feels relatively good, but any little bit of failure feels, ugh, so obvious. It feels like I’m a freshman in high school once again, and my friend Jenny said our friend Pilar complained that “Shannon wants to be deep.” Or maybe it was that I wished I could be deep?
I don’t even know anymore. Fourteen was a very long time ago.
All I really remember is the shame. Shame like that really does cut into your soul as a kid. I still recall wondering what I’d said or done that meant I tried too hard to be deep. That shame gnawed at me until I bled.
Later, I wondered???, what does that even mean? That I’m naturally shallow? Or is wanting depth of character or mind a bad thing?