When depression peaks, I can’t remember what I enjoy.
I can recall some of the fundamental aspects of my personality — reading and writing, making art and telling jokes, drinking coffee and wearing eyeliner — but I can’t remember how these things feel, nor can I access the motivation to pursue them.
The psycho-babble term for this is anhedonia, which is too pretty-sounding a word for what it means: the loss of the ability to derive pleasure from the things you once enjoyed. It’s a common symptom in depressive disorders.